This job sucks my soul, but gave me tools
Maybe I have depression. I can’t finish or keep doing the things I start — like this very blog where I’m writing these words. I began it thinking I’d actually write regularly, but I just don’t have the energy and it’s easier to scroll through TikTok. I also can’t stick with studying programming; I keep hopping from one language to another. Two days ago I downloaded courses in Python and Go, even though I had been studying Pascal and Ruby seriously. I can’t even finish a TV series. I started watching SpongeBob because its silly humor calms me and makes me feel good — for a moment I can forget my problems when I watch it.
This job is sucking all my strength and my soul. I didn’t think it would be like this; I thought I’d have enough motivation to keep learning, to come home from work and try to change my life. My motivation keeps fading because it isn’t very strong — maybe I need something bigger to motivate me. Still, I’m grateful for this job because it let me save up and buy a Mac mini M4, a keyboard, a mouse and a monitor; a webcam and an SSD. I’m thankful for all those things because they’ve truly made my life better, and thanks to them I can grow. I’ve stopped feeling free — I need freedom.
It’s strange how money makes many of us into slaves. I don’t think people are especially materialistic — we want certain things, but more importantly we want those things to have meaning in our lives. Only time and meaning matter. Everyone tries to buy their freedom by earning money.
That’s it — I’m tired of writing. This is the short post I ended up with. I know — only a very small number of people will read it, if anyone at all.